The funny thread

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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 16 Feb 2018, 07:56

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

'Doctor,' the man said,

'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said...

'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.
'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

"Well, said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???"

The man seemed a bit ashamed..

'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....

"It's Rust". !!
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BazzBass
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 16 Feb 2018, 15:30

sorry Brooksi, not up to your usual high standard :)
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 18 Feb 2018, 18:23

Man come home from work to find his wife, on the couch naked.
The man say's, why aren't you wearing anything?
Wife replies, but I am. Its your birthday & I thought I would wear something nice.
What do you think?
The man takes his time & replies....................................................................

I think it needs a Iron!!!!!!!
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 22 Feb 2018, 09:03

I had a sore testicle the other day so I popped into the doctor's surgery to get it checked out.

The doctor I saw was a female but I had no problems with that. She told me to drop my pants and boxers, and got to examining the family jewels.

After a while she recommended that I stop masturbating.

I asked "Is it the reason my testes are sore?

She said "No, but it's making it very difficult for me to examine you". !!
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 23 Feb 2018, 19:24

During the desert campaign in North Africa in WW II an Aussie digger decided he wanted some leave, but when he applied for it his platoon commander just laughed at him and told him no way, there was a war on you know and nobody gets any leave. Unless, of course, he did something exceptionally brave, in which case it might be considered. Well, three days later the said digger rocks up in a captured German tank. Everyone was most impressed that he had achieved that single handed, and off he went on 10 days leave.

A couple of weeks after he returned he started getting bored again and couldn’t help remembering how much fun he had in Cairo the last time, so he applied for leave again. And again he got the same answer -- no way unless he did something exceptionally brave. But to everyone’s amazement he pulled the same trick for the second time and drove into camp in a captured German tank. Off he went again for another 10 days leave.

When it happened for the third time and he was packing his gear for the trip to Cairo his mate, who always was a sceptical bugger, fronted him and demanded to know how he was managing to capture these German tanks single handed.

“Easy” replied the digger, “I take one of ours, drive around the desert until I see a German tank, then sing out ‘Hey Jerry, you want 10 days leave?’”
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 24 Feb 2018, 07:31

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a
slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. 'A bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra....I'm
still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 24 Feb 2018, 08:47

cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover's spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her…what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
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BassLine
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BassLine » 28 Feb 2018, 09:57

Misheard lyrics....

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Petebass
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Re: The funny thread

Post by Petebass » 06 Mar 2018, 19:06

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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 08 Mar 2018, 15:21

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BassLine » 11 Mar 2018, 11:31

Image
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Re: The funny thread

Post by Petebass » 30 Mar 2018, 08:29

When you're demonstrating your bionic arm on TV, and you accidentally activate "Wank Mode"
* 2 Stingray 5's (one heavily modded), Ibanez SR805, Ashbory, + more...
* Carvin B1500, Epifani PS1000, Ashdown Superfly amps.
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BazzBass
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 30 Mar 2018, 13:09

Bob was sitting outside a cafe in a little Italian village when he saw an unusual procession.
Two coffins on horse drawn carts followed by one man and his dog, then about 20 men following in single file, walking solemnly towards the cemetery.
Curiosity got the better of him so he joins the procession and works his way to the front, and says to the man with the dog "deepest sympathies for your loss, may I ask who is in the first coffin?
"That is my wife"
Bob asks "How did she die" the man replies "She argued with me, so my dog attacked and killed her"
"Oh",says Bob, "and the second coffin?"
"that is my mother in law, she tried to save my wife, so the dog killed her too"
Bob contemplates this for a while, deeply. After a few minutes he asks the man "May I borrow your dog?"
The man replies "Get on the end of the queue"

:)
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BassLine
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BassLine » 01 Apr 2018, 17:04

Q: How many jazz vocalist does it take to sing "My Funny Valentine"?

A: Apparently all of them.
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BassLine
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BassLine » 21 Apr 2018, 11:16

Q. Why do Greek men wear gold chains around their necks?
A. So they know where to stop shaving. 8/

* insert any appropriate nationality above.
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