The funny thread

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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 28 Jul 2018, 09:26

"Late again!" The third-grade teacher sternly said to little Joe:
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Joe and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back!" Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!.....
Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this morning!"
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 07 Aug 2018, 08:17

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said, he had 12 children; no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked:
"How many children do you have?
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered “They're in the cemetery with their mother."

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words... and don't forget, most politicians are unfortunately lawyers.
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 16 Aug 2018, 07:58

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar.
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Surprised, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?!!"
Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie: "Well, I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves
to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Tiger: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods: incredulous - says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money. And I never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that. OK - I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me.
When would you like to play?"


Stevie: "You pick a night."
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 18 Sep 2018, 06:03

My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of gaol so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Newcastle cells.. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday! 🤣
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Re: The funny thread

Post by gatoz » 20 Sep 2018, 09:38

Four married guys go golfing for the weekend. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do, to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue paying golf, when they realised that the fourth guy hasn't said a word.

So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do, to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "Wow, you guys sure make it hard for yourselves! All I did, was set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut the alarm off, gave the wife a nudge, and said, "intercourse or golf course?" and she said, "Don't forget to wear sunblock."

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Re: The funny thread

Post by rodl2005 » 20 Sep 2018, 11:05

:lol: :D :p

Like the Stevie/ Tiger one especially. Keep em coming Brooksi. :thumbup:
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 20 Sep 2018, 13:41

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Coz he's married !


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"Not good with numbers"
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 23 Sep 2018, 06:36

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 23 Sep 2018, 13:45

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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 27 Sep 2018, 10:52

It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over.

Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be.

Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided.

“Ok”, said the judge, turning to Sam,

“I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.”

“That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it”, said Sam.

“I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.”
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 28 Sep 2018, 07:01

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 5000 klm since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, pay and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: 95
Coffee: $5.00
Total: $100
==========
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, pay $150.00.
2) Stop and buy a case of beer, pay $60, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine..
8) Look for 13mm box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail..
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $150.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Beer: $60.00
Total: $2,725
Knowing the job was done correctly..... Priceless
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 30 Sep 2018, 10:24

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’ Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig Ieaf.”Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’ ‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’said the puzzled nun.

You see,‘ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?
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Re: The funny thread

Post by slowlearner » 30 Sep 2018, 15:48

BazzBass wrote:
23 Sep 2018, 13:45
:lol:

We're just going through the book of Leviticus at church. I know my guys would enjoy that. :D
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BassLine
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BassLine » 30 Sep 2018, 23:26

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

----------------

What do you call it when somebody steals your coffee cup? A mugging.
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BazzBass
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 01 Oct 2018, 12:34

BassLine wrote:
30 Sep 2018, 23:26
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

----------------

What do you call it when somebody steals your coffee cup? A mugging.
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