The funny thread

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ROON
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Re: The funny thread

Post by ROON » 21 Nov 2010, 20:12

ROFL.
- Josh

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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 21 Nov 2010, 20:19

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change..

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair..

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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LimeB
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Re: The funny thread

Post by LimeB » 22 Nov 2010, 02:14

Excellent, keep them coming .

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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 06 Dec 2010, 18:13

A nice, calm, respectable lady went into a pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have Mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law!
I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"




The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.




The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now.
That's different.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 06 Dec 2010, 18:44

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham
and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of
beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub,
(because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.


The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and
toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down


The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears
his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and
Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says,
'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know
you'll love it.'
'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and
Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!


One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white
form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?',
to which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and
Cheese Toastie.

Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any
Ham and Cheese Toasties.
You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED' ,said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause. The rabbit said...
































'Mixin-me-toasties.'
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Rude_Mechanical
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Re: The funny thread

Post by Rude_Mechanical » 06 Dec 2010, 19:50

Argh. Just horrible!

c-

(Love it!)
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 08 Dec 2010, 17:14

a young guy full of attitude walks into the bar and spots a jar full of $100 notes stuffed in a jar behind the bar ...
whats the deal with that he says
well says the barman ... it cost you $100 to take the challange .....see that big kiwi dude over there covered in tatts..you have to fight him and win .. ..then there is a viscious pitbull downstairs with an infected tooth .. you have to pull that out... and finally if you get past that .. see that old scraggy women in the corner with the flys hanging around her crotch.. you have to have sex with her....then you get the jar of cash
"im in" says the young dude......he hands over his $100 and walks straight up to the kiwi SMACK ...knocks him clean out...
everyone in the bar looks in amazement... then downstairs he heads..
upstairs they can hear a hell of a ruckus .. thumping , dog yelping etc.... all of a sudden the young guy appears at the top of the stairs ...everyone in the bar is shocked..no one has made it this far before ... the old stinky bird in the corner starts smiling in anticipation...then the young guy shouts all covered in sweat and dog hair
"RIGHT WHERE IS THAT OLD SCRAG WITH THE SORE TOOTH"
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LimeB
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Re: The funny thread

Post by LimeB » 08 Dec 2010, 17:33

Excellent

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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 09 Dec 2010, 18:20

>
> Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
> Family values.
>
> Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
>
> Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
> Intelligence come from?'
>
> The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
> Cause I still have mine.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
> Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
>
> 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
> Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
> Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
> At all.'
>
> 'Me neither doc,' said the husband.. 'But she's a great cook and really
> Good with the kids.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
> Been living with for the last 40 years.
>
> The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
> That were used to put the curse on you.'
>
> The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
>
> 1. The DNA all matches.
>
> 2. There are no dental records.
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
> Take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
>
> The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
>
> 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
>
> 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
>
> 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
>
> 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
>
> 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
>
> Joe: 'Really?'
>
> Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
> Asks him how he is feeling.
>
> 'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
> Surgery,' he answered.
>
> 'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
>
> 'Oops!'
> !
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
> Of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
> I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
> Advice.
>
> 'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
>
> 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
>
> He's still in intensive care.
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
> Of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
> Even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
>
> The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
> There.'
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basshack
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Re: The funny thread

Post by basshack » 09 Dec 2010, 18:23

Nice Brooksi!
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 12 Dec 2010, 07:44

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and its Roger, Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it- Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old, ready for more action. And once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, I am thoroughly impressed, that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age, who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: You mean I was here already?

The moral of the story: Dont be afraid of getting old, ALZHEIMERS has its advantages.
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 12 Dec 2010, 13:39

A Jehovas Witness knocked on my door last night.

I asked him in, sat him down and said "Right, what do you want to talk about ?"

He said "Fark knows ............. I've never got this far before"
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terry
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Re: The funny thread

Post by terry » 13 Dec 2010, 19:20

LOL at the last one. In reality it's not like that though. Hate their guts!!
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 14 Dec 2010, 08:50

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near
Highway 7 early one cold December morning. Suddenly, a huge buck
walked out over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs. The buck
was magnificent, a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The
hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and
Crockett points. Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed
the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.
As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime,
his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down
Highway 7.

The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down,
took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and
touching thing I have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy
deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession. You are
indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call
you a friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years."
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basshack
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Re: The funny thread

Post by basshack » 14 Dec 2010, 15:43

Hi Brooksi,

Just thought I'd let you know I'm getting good milage out of the mix-me-toasties joke. It's reached Dad Joke status in the office and heading up to Grandad territory. I've embellished it to include a few different toasties in succession and stretch it out to around 5 minutes so they really get suckered in. :thumbup: Keep um coming!
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