The funny thread

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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 23 Jan 2017, 10:26

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks?" Paddy said.
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 04 Feb 2017, 17:41

I went fishing earlier today and there was this bloke splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, "I can't swim! I can't swim!"

"It's alright, mate," I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign,

"It says 'no swimming' anyway." !!
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rev matt
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Re: The funny thread

Post by rev matt » 04 Feb 2017, 18:00

On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?
"No," said the little boy.............. "It's a puppy!"
Having fun is half the fun- Warwick Corvette $$ 4- Cort acoustic 4 - no name ebay special 5 (now fretless), Kala spruce fretless Ubass, Washburn M-3SWS mandolin , Ashbory and a 2001 LTD edition Warwick Thumb Fretless 4.

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BassLine
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BassLine » 09 Feb 2017, 08:49

Q. What's the difference between a chick singer and a Porsche?

A. Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.
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rev matt
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Re: The funny thread

Post by rev matt » 09 Feb 2017, 09:32

ohhhh. you went there
Having fun is half the fun- Warwick Corvette $$ 4- Cort acoustic 4 - no name ebay special 5 (now fretless), Kala spruce fretless Ubass, Washburn M-3SWS mandolin , Ashbory and a 2001 LTD edition Warwick Thumb Fretless 4.

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narcdor
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Re: The funny thread

Post by narcdor » 09 Feb 2017, 09:54

BassLine wrote:Q. What's the difference between a chick singer and a Porsche?

A. Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.
:thumbdown
B: Fender Mustangs, Narcdor Precision, Lindsey Precision, Nash Jazz, Framus Star Bass, EBMM Stingray
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BazzBass
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 09 Feb 2017, 10:58

but we're bass players, we don't get ANY chicks, let alone the singer :)
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 11 Feb 2017, 08:28

Was in the city recently and went up to this really cute looking homeless girl and asked if I could take her home.
She said yes and looked really happy until I picked up her cardboard box and walked off with it............
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BazzBass
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 11 Feb 2017, 13:02

brooksi wrote:Was in the city recently and went up to this really cute looking homeless girl and asked if I could take her home.
She said yes and looked really happy until I picked up her cardboard box and walked off with it............

:rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf:
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 24 Feb 2017, 05:51

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a
slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. 'A bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra....I'm
still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 24 Feb 2017, 11:18

Today marks 6 weeks without any sugar. Running 5kms each day before breakfast. I've stopped eating meat, dairy, flour too. No caffeine. The change in my body has already been fantastic! I feel great! Zero alcohol! Eating a healthy diet that is completely vegan, gluten-free, caffeine-free and sugar-free. And working out for 2 hours every day! I have lost 15 kgs of fat and gained muscle mass!
I don't know whose status this is, but I was really proud of them so I decided to copy and paste! :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf:
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rodl2005
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Re: The funny thread

Post by rodl2005 » 24 Feb 2017, 18:05

Ahhh you're doing great work Brooksi!!!! Some beauties just on this page. Keep it up. Please!!
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 25 Feb 2017, 07:33

The Pope in Alaska
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along near a campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious
Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 03 Mar 2017, 08:13

Richard Di Natale, current Green’s leader, bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested he cut off the tail of one horse and this worked great until the other horse’s tail was caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Richard was stuck again.
The neighbour then suggested he notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, Di Natale couldn't tell the two horses apart.
The neighbour then suggested he measure the horses for height. When he checked, Richard was pleased to find that the white horse was 50 millimetres taller than the black one. :thumbup:
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Aussie Mark
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Re: The funny thread

Post by Aussie Mark » 03 Mar 2017, 08:18


Rolling Stoned | The Volts | Doors Alive | Bonza | The Vinyl Beats

Basses: Nash, Fender, Ampeg, Cataldo, Duesenberg, Greco, Ibanez
Rig: Fender, Ampeg, PJB

Endorsing artist: Fender; Cave Passive Pedals

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