The funny thread

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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 10 Dec 2017, 05:53

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am."
... The baby said "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born" he said. He then looked at his father and asked "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!".
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BazzBass
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 10 Dec 2017, 13:22

:rolf:
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BassLine
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BassLine » 14 Dec 2017, 18:21

Funny TalkBass comparison......
Playing bass is much more like being a mohel who specializes in ritual circumcisions: when you start breaking out the crazy virtuoso chops, the people who hired you get nervous.
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 16 Dec 2017, 08:07

Little Johnny ...gets expelled from school, so, in despair, his parents decide to send him to a Catholic school. Three weeks later, his parents are asked for an interview with the headmaster. They front up, and ask if he's been expelled.

"No" said the headmaster. "Little Johnny is one of our brightest students. He's well behaved in class, top of his class in all subjects and always on time with assigments. I cant't believe that he was ever a problem."
On the way home, his father asked Little Johnny why he had suddenly decided to behave himself.

"Easy." said Little Johnny. On my first day, I saw the statue of a bloke nailed to a cross out the front, and decided this mob didn't f@#! around.."
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 18 Dec 2017, 04:52

Three women in the fruit and veg shop looking at cucumbers.

The blonde asks the greengrocer for a short but thick one, because they are simply the best.

The brunette asks for a very long one. The longer the better!

When the grocer comes to the redhead and asks what she like?
Doesn't matter was the reply, I'm just making a salad.
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 19 Dec 2017, 17:54

A SHORT, BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold..'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.



'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.



'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own f****** blanket!'



After a moment of silence, he farted.



The End.
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BassLine
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BassLine » 23 Dec 2017, 11:33

Image
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BazzBass
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 23 Dec 2017, 12:47

so true !
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BazzBass
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 24 Dec 2017, 13:34

not a joke, but a legendary tale

While Boon has always refused to talk about it, several teammates swear he downed 52 beers on the way to the 1989 series, breaking a record of 44 set by Doug Walters and Rod Marsh on earlier tours.
While Boon has said that reports of his record were "a Hans Christian Andersen fairytale", that’s not the way Geoff Lawson and Dean Jones remember it.
Lawson says he was keeping score on airline sickbags and Jones claims to have paced Boon through 22 beers, just the other side of Singapore.

Jones says he went upstairs and fell asleep, waking to loud applause and the announcement from the plane’s captain that Boon had reached 52.


Boonie was asked which of the legendary 52 cans of beer on the flight to England was his favourite. "that's easy, the one on take-off, just put the can to your lips and let the pilot do the rest"
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BassLine
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BassLine » 25 Dec 2017, 14:38

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."

"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
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BassLine
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BassLine » 19 Jan 2018, 12:13

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slowlearner
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Re: The funny thread

Post by slowlearner » 22 Jan 2018, 07:43

BazzBass wrote:
24 Dec 2017, 13:34
not a joke, but a legendary tale

While Boon has always refused to talk about it, several teammates swear he downed 52 beers on the way to the 1989 series, breaking a record of 44 set by Doug Walters and Rod Marsh on earlier tours.
While Boon has said that reports of his record were "a Hans Christian Andersen fairytale", that’s not the way Geoff Lawson and Dean Jones remember it.
Lawson says he was keeping score on airline sickbags and Jones claims to have paced Boon through 22 beers, just the other side of Singapore.

Jones says he went upstairs and fell asleep, waking to loud applause and the announcement from the plane’s captain that Boon had reached 52.


Boonie was asked which of the legendary 52 cans of beer on the flight to England was his favourite. "that's easy, the one on take-off, just put the can to your lips and let the pilot do the rest"
From the man who took slabs of baked beans on an Indian tour so he wouldn't have to eat the food there. Class, pure class. :lol:
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 04 Feb 2018, 08:40

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the
Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the
middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history
of....."

Here the colonel interrupted,

"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers. He can find all of that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f@#! off."
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BassLine
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BassLine » 05 Feb 2018, 22:24

A cannibal showed up late for a dinner party. The others gave him the cold shoulder
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 07 Feb 2018, 08:32

I once invited a Jehovah-is witness inside. He sat down and I said, ‘So, what do you want to talk about?’ He replied, ‘I don’t know? I’ve never got this far before!’
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