The funny thread

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BazzBass
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 01 Jun 2017, 12:57

covfefe- American slang for "I'm a Russian puppet taking you all for a ride"
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tearalong
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Re: The funny thread

Post by tearalong » 01 Jun 2017, 13:33

BazzBass wrote:covfefe- American slang for "I'm a Russian puppet taking you all for a ride"
TRUMP: What happens if they uncover the plot & want to arrest me.

PUTIN: We'll pull you out. Just tweet out the code word "covfefe"
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BassLine
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BassLine » 01 Jun 2017, 20:08

Urban Dictionary has some colourful definitions of covfefe, most I can't post here. :p
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slowlearner
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Re: The funny thread

Post by slowlearner » 01 Jun 2017, 20:41

This evening with my 13yo daughter...

Her: "Dad, who are...[reading album cover] cold... chisel?"
Me: "They're a famous Australian band from the 70s and early 80s. Have you heard of Jimmy Barnes?"
Her: "No"

Who said there was no justice in the world. :lol:
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BazzBass
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 09 Jun 2017, 15:01

Harry Shearer To Release Spinal Tap Bassist Derek Smalls Solo Album :hyper:

Shearer talked about the project with GQ, saying it will “shed light on the travails of partying hard in one’s twilight years.” The album is already turning out to be stacked with killer musicians: Steely Dan’s Donald Fagan, Peter Frampton, and Steve Vai, just to name a few. Spinal Tap’s problem of ill-fated drummers may be continuing, as Red Hot Chili Pepper Chad Smith tweeted a photo of himself with Dave Grohl and Jim Keltner in the studio working on the album.
The bassist revealed the titles of several songs, including “Memo to Willie” about erectile dysfunction, “MRI”, and “It Don’t Get Old”, which is about “the decaying pleasures of life on the road.” The album is expected to come out later this year with Shearer planning on a live tour to support it.
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 18 Jun 2017, 13:20

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,

"Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour,"

But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT **** THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The Teacher fainted with shock. !!
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 30 Jun 2017, 08:51

A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and asks for the octopus.

The waiter says; 'Ok, but it takes 8 hours to cook.'

When the man asks; 'Why does it take so long.' :/

The waiter replies; 'because it keeps turning the gas off.' !! :p
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 01 Aug 2017, 19:31

An Aussie and Kiwi were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing,

and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?”

The Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally he says "Well I don't know about making us related, but it would certainly make us even."
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 06 Sep 2017, 10:22

ne morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”

So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”

The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”

Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.”“My last wish is a million dollars!”.

The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to make love to me all night.”

She replies, “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27″, she replies.

“Isn’t that something”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins?"
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gatoz
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Re: The funny thread

Post by gatoz » 01 Oct 2017, 15:54

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says ....
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon ... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres with Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe .... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo ... What ees it then? "
"Pepe ... Ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."

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BazzBass
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 01 Oct 2017, 16:53

red card,you can't tell another joke for two days :)
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FunkyJase
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Re: The funny thread

Post by FunkyJase » 03 Oct 2017, 14:46

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says, "Whoa, look at the size of that f**ker!"
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a F**ker fish." Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge f**ker," says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language, please! This is God's house," replies the bishop.
"No, no - that's what this fish is called," says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin. "I could clean that f**ker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this f**ker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f**ker," says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that f**ker tonight - the Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the f**ker!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the f**ker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the f**ker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says, "You know what? You c**ts are alright".
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BassLine
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BassLine » 28 Nov 2017, 21:50

Bicycle lights - great idea!!
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 02 Dec 2017, 09:01

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
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BazzBass
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 02 Dec 2017, 12:11

Image
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