The funny thread

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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 08 May 2018, 09:44

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked:

“Did you kill that?”

“Yes” the pigmy said.

The hunter asked:

“How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?”

The pigmy said:

“I killed it with my club.”

The astonished hunter asked:

“How big is your club?”

The pigmy replied:

“There’s about 90 of us.”
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BazzBass
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 08 May 2018, 13:01

:lol:
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 08 May 2018, 14:39

BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS

A man drowned in his home earlier today while eating his muesli....

....he was pulled in by a currant :)


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Re: The funny thread

Post by Aussie Mark » 12 May 2018, 17:42

My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back.

Half way through he said

“Don’t forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand.”

The tattooist said

“Give us a chance mate, I’ve only just finished his turban.”

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basshack
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Re: The funny thread

Post by basshack » 12 May 2018, 17:53

brooksi wrote:
08 May 2018, 09:44
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked:

“Did you kill that?”

“Yes” the pigmy said.

The hunter asked:

“How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?”

The pigmy said:

“I killed it with my club.”

The astonished hunter asked:

“How big is your club?”

The pigmy replied:

“There’s about 90 of us.”
This one did the rounds on Wednesday when I was umpiring junior tee ball. You know it's a good joke when the kids start telling your jokes to the other kids before you can.
><((((º> ·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸.·´¯`·... ><((((º>
.·´¯`·.¸.·´¯`·... >((((º>

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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 16 May 2018, 10:01

Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg.

Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth…
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brooksi
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Re: The funny thread

Post by brooksi » 19 May 2018, 09:17

Federal Treasurer and prominent white Sydney man, Scott Morrison has announced will allocate $50 million of taxpayer money to recognising the unknown Englishman Captain Cook who stumbled across Botany Bay, Sydney, after 52 disinterest other colonial seafarers.

The redevelopment of the Captain James Cook memorial will include a new visitors centre, cafe, exhibition space and ferry wharves as well as an “aquatic monument” to Cook that will be completed ahead of the 250th anniversary of the first encounter between Cook and Australia’s first peoples on April 29, 1770.


Morrison, whose electorate of Cook includes the precinct, told the paper that the redevelopment would deliver “a place of commemoration and recognition and understanding of how cool Captain Cook was”

“This will be our very own Statue Of Liberty, except it will be a bit more tailored to the history of this country, in that, it’s going to be recognising our greatness through a statue of a white male aristocrat”

Morrison has been quick to preface his plans by saying any complaints from leftie historians who say that he has his timelines wrong will be redirected to the Minister For Indigenous Affairs, who’s name escaped him at the time.


The public has already been up in arms about this announcement, with locals pointing out that a statue of Cook is irrelevant, considering the most significant exploration of Australia in the 17th century was by the Dutch. The first ship and crew to chart part of the Australian coast (the west coast of Cape York Peninsular in Queensland) and meet with Aboriginal people was the Duyfken, in 1606, captained by Dutchman Willem Janszoon.

In 1629, the Dutch ship the Batavia made history when it struck coral reefs on the Houtman Abrolhos Islands, 40 kilometres off the Western Australian coast. A failed bloodthirsty mutiny, orchestrated by some of the ship’s crew, resulted in two of the youngest mutineers being sentenced to be marooned on the Australian mainland, effectively making them the first European residents of Australia.

Other explorers of the time included Dirk Hartog and Frederick de Houtman (Dutch), Louis Antoine de Bougainville (French) and William Dampier (English).

In 1642, Dutchman Abel Tasman discovered Van Dieman’s Land, now named Tasmania, before returning on another voyage in 1644, when he passed the coast of Australia naming it Nova Hollandia (New Holland).

It was 51-Europeans later that navigator and astronomer Captain James Cook set out in 1768 on the HM Bark Endeavour. Under direction from King George III of England, Captain Cook was given instructions that “with the consent of the natives to take possession of convenient situations in the country” – which he didn’t do, claiming that no one was here, despite the 60 or so blackfellas telling him to get fu@#ed from the shores.
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BazzBass
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 19 May 2018, 13:21

well said Brooksi :)

I'm amazed the story of the Batavia hasn't been made into a major movie, it has all the ingredients of a blockbustor. Adventure, disaster, sex, blood, endurance, cannibalism, discovery.
Apparently the North Western aboriginals have some Dutch words and names in their history, proof that the two outcasts from the Batavia lived with the natives.
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Re: The funny thread

Post by FunkyJase » 31 May 2018, 13:20

A traveler and his local guide are pushing through the jungle when they suddenly hear drumming like they've never heard before.
Traveler: Wow! That drumming is amazing, let's see if we find it!
Guide: No! We must go now. When drums stop, very bad!
Traveler: But the drumming sounds amazing, I really want to check it out!
Guide: No, We must go, when drums stop, very bad!
Traveler: But this is the kind of thing I came here to experience! I really want to hear it!
Guide: No! We must go before drums stop!
Guy: But why? What happens when the drums stop?
Guide: Bass solo!!

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BazzBass
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Re: The funny thread

Post by BazzBass » 31 May 2018, 13:26

STILL larfed even though I knew the punchline from the very beginning.

I still remember the terror when the BL yelled 'bass solo' in my first band
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Re: The funny thread

Post by FunkyJase » 31 May 2018, 15:46

BazzBass wrote:
31 May 2018, 13:26
STILL larfed even though I knew the punchline from the very beginning.

I still remember the terror when the BL yelled 'bass solo' in my first band
Ha ha
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RedVee
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Re: The funny thread

Post by RedVee » 06 Jun 2018, 08:21

BazzBass wrote:
19 May 2018, 13:21
well said Brooksi :)

I'm amazed the story of the Batavia hasn't been made into a major movie, it has all the ingredients of a blockbustor. Adventure, disaster, sex, blood, endurance, cannibalism, discovery.
Apparently the North Western aboriginals have some Dutch words and names in their history, proof that the two outcasts from the Batavia lived with the natives.
Has their been a movie of the escape from WA by the convicts on the Catalpa ?
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Re: The funny thread

Post by tearalong » 07 Jun 2018, 12:52

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